Thursday, December 29, 2011

Just a Little Thanks!

I'd just like to thank my readers, every one of you, lurker or otherwise, for helping me break 5,000 page views! to others, it may be small, but for me, it means the world, so, thank you!

Chapter 2.7 ~ Replacements

Time went on. but it seems that's all I say. Time went on, but never progressed. I spent numerous hours with Jinx. She said things, little things, that made me think about my life. Look at me. I'm going on 30! What do I have to show for my life so far? Not much. That's exactly right, and no one can deny it. No full bank account, no perfect marriage, no extreme success.

I'm a no one in this world. I have to do something to get me remembered. Something.

After the original sketches were finished, Jinx's painting was the easiest thing to do in the world! I had her image permanently imprinted to my mind. The way her lips were always too dark for anyone with a fashion conscious mind to accept, due to the way her skin was whiter them milk on the warmest days of summer.  I had put my all into this painting, and honestly, it was good Jinx was around here with me, because otherwise, the family would have come to a standstill.

Jinx took over main care of my children. They didn't mind in the slightest, as they all adored her. It was the same reversed. Jinx was finally getting a chance at motherhood, and being a sibling, all at once. It was new to her, and sometimes, she would need a little help. Like when it came to braiding Jet's long hair. It was difficult for her to get her fingers, no matter how nimble, around the locks without causing  poor Jet to wail in pain. I'm sure it never really hurt, Jet's always been a tad dramatic.

Amethyst has warmed up to Jinx incredibly. Those two are inseparable, the way I wish I was with her. She tells Jinx all her secrets, as she does with me, but sometimes Jinx will mention in passing something Am decided wasn't worth telling me. Or that I shouldn't be told. It hurt, really it did, but I couldn't let her see that.


Jinx was a dab hand in the kitchen. Anything she touched, tasted brilliant. We hadn't had to scrape burnt bits off of our meals for weeks! She was always willing to make the meal, never once complaining. I once asked her about it, and she grew very quiet.

"My Momma. She used to cook with me. It reminds me of her." 

It was the first time I'd seen her feel any negative emotion. Apparently her Mom died in hospital a while back now. The wound on Jinx's heart was raw, but healing, as she put it.

I continued to grow. With new life. with new hope. Maybe with a new way to bring Joel back to me. He hadn't spoken to me other then greetings for what.. eight days now? I could feel him slipping away, and I desperately wanted him back, with me, in my arms, like we were all those years ago. I missed him.

We had been given news that we were to expect twins with this birth, again. Apparently it's an increased multiples rate, being a multiple myself , but Dusk still only has little Damien. Odd.

Joel has moved his office from my studio. Paint fumes clogging his sinuses or something. I spoke about it to Jinx, and she offered me very little. She seemed to be with-holding an opinion the whole time, until I made her spit it out.

It had been a really hard morning already, my back killing, fake labor pains all through the night, and Joel gone before I woke up.

Jinx was out of her apartment, and to our house by 9AM, and by that time, I had gone from cranky, to empty. Just empty, stripped of emotion. Should I even care anymore? I mean, it's not like I'm not used to him ignoring me.

"What do you think of it?" I asked, gesturing to the portrait, as I felt Jinx's presence arrive behind me. Take note that I felt it. I never hear her enter a room.

"It's extremely flattering. I'm sure my nose is more crooked then that"  she laughed airily.

I managed a tight smile, but still the cold, empty feel of the day consumed me.

"Have I lost him, Jinx?" I whispered, my eyes now closed, paintbrush lowered.

"Not yet. You still have control here. Don't let him slip, if you still love him." Her hand slinked its way onto my shoulders, thumbs making small circles, relieving some pent up tension that had been growing in my body.

"I love him. But aren't you supposed to let what you love go? And if it ever loved you, it would come back?" My voice has risen three pitches, desperation creeping into every word.

"You could try. But is it worth risking it?" Her voice was level, and missing her normal sweetness. Seriousness claimed her emotional state, and she was telling me everything she thought.

I walked to a chair in the corner, laying my forehead in my hands, silent tears threatening to spill.

Jinx came over and kissed my hair gently, as my Mother had done when I was little.

"Don't let him be the one who gets away, Dawn. Keep him close, if it's what you want. Think about yourself for once." then she exited the room, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

She was right, I thought about others too often. More so then myself.  But what if thinking of myself made Joel miserable? Made him unable to live his life, like he deserved to? Gosh. Sometimes, I wish I had died the lonely cat woman I'd planned to be.


I heard Jinx holler at me from the kitchen, that it was time to eat lunch. Eat? How long had I been left alone? Long enough to make a meal? Apparently.

Am was at school, and the girls napping upstairs. Joel was.. ah, who knows. Work, hopefully.

My Mom had only just risen, and was still in her nightgown. She was worrying me lately. Doctors called it Depression, but really, why should she be depressed? Then again, in the state I'm in, I may as well accept another heap to my already heaving plate.

Jinx ate something left over from the morning, as my Mother and I tucked into a Greek Salad. No one spoke, but the silence wasn't uncomfortable. We all had thoughts to dwell upon, and no one needed to talk about their problems. The only person whose thoughts I couldn't read were my Mothers.. but who could anymore?

I went back to my painting after the dishes were done. I heard the door latch about a half hour later, indicating that my Mother must have gone out. Jinx wouldn't leave without saying goodbye to me. 

Then it happened.

The first pang of labor was so familiar now, I should be ready for it. Of course though, I wasn't. It rippled down my spine, and over my bloated stomach. I planned to be calm, you know, third time the charm and all, but a scream left my mouth before I even saw it coming.

Jinx bolted through, her own face contorted with fear.  It was then I remembered that I was the first pregnant woman she had ever met. And now she was the only one around for my labor.

"Jinx. Hospital, now. Get the car." She nodded, eyes not leaving the puddle forming at my feet. 

She was back in the studio before I knew what was happening. I heard the rumble of the engine outside, and I began to make my way to he door.  Jinx gave a little sigh of exasperation, and scooped me up in her slender arms, swiftly leading me to the car.

I was laid in the back seat, and we sped off. The journey was quick. I knew we were speeding, and we should slow down, but I already had urges to push. How far apart were he contractions now? Okay, count.
One, two, three, four. Four minutes? No, that can't  be right. Count again.

We arrive before I could count the minutes again. This time I walk, and I'm quick, because I'm worried. I'm immediately placed in a wheelchair, and taken to Labor & Delivery.  Jinx is sterilized, and quickly follows me into the room. None of the nurses know what to do with this baby, rushing to get to the world, so the doctor is paged. She comes, rapidly throwing her white uniform over a stained blouse. Obviously someone was on her way home.

Two and a half hours later, record time, I delivered two beautiful baby girls. Jinx joked hat it was two more to add to our pack, and I beamed at her. Mom was in a room across the hall, being told to quieten down her excited squeals over her two new granddaughters.  Two more angels to cherish.  But what would Joel think? I knew he wanted a Son.

Wait. Joel?

"Jinx. Where's Joel?"

Her face crumpled to a frown, and I worried for her answer.

"I called him four times. Once on the way here, twice while you were in labor, and again just now. No answer. No show."

I had a flood of emotions. Anger, Betrayal, Sadness. Then my  cold nothing, my icy empty, that I have learnt to expect when talking of my husband.

By the evening, I was allowed home, with my two gorgeous girls, Moonstone, and Morganite. Moon and Morgan for short.

I traveled cooing to them in the back sea, while Jinx's face remained hard.

As we walked through the door, my Mom took the two baskets from my hands, fussing over me, and the girls. Am came barreling down the stairs, to see her new sisters. Even Jet and Jade were catching on to the excitement, and peeking into the baskets Mom had set on the floor.

I made my way upstairs to the bathroom to clean up, when I walked by the office. Inside I saw Joel. My anger boiled over, and  I began to see everything in a haze of red. My vision blurred, my mind exploded.

Jinx trotted up the stairs, to find me clinging to the railing at the top of the staircase. My knuckles were white, nails digging into my palms. Eyes glazed, most likely. A hard stare at the wall rose to meet her sympathetic eyes. That did it. I wasn't going to be pitied. I was going to stand up for myself.

"Joel. Get out here now." My voice was hard, and rough. Like I hadn't had a drink in days.

He sighed loudly, and it was all I could do not to rip the railing from the floor. Sauntering out, he seemed to realize what he had done. What had happened.

"Babe, I-" he began.

"Don't babe me. You missed the birth of our daughters. You have left me this whole pregnancy. It's like being married to a dead man!" I yelled, tears leaking from my eyes, but I was unable to tell if I was crying from anger, or sadness.

"I was worki-"

"Yea. You were working. I know. So do we all. We all know that this family is a second to work. With the way your being, it may even be a third to someone else as well."

He went to speak, but I cut him off. His face was hard, but his eyes were burning with sadness. I couldn't care less.

"Fudge you." I whispered. "Fudge you. Fudge us."

He went to touch my arm, but I pulled away. 

"Go to Hell." I murmured, barely audible. 

He make a small sound. A sob? Before leaving for the study again. I didn't know where we stood now, but I wasn't happy with it.

A pair of arms slid their way around my waist, a hand rubbed my back, and then stroked my hair as I cried. I may have felt dreadfully lonely, and abandoned, even forgotten.

But there had always been one person who was strong. Jinx would always be here for me.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

2.6 ~ Opportunity Comes Knocking

Life mostly continued as normal. My family fell into happy routines, and basically were happy living their lives as they were.

I played the role of the typical house wife. I cooked, cleaned, and cared for the children. Gift began to come in the mail from friends of mine, or workmates of Joels, sending congratulations of the new arrivals' fast approaching appearance.

 I  had lacked inspiration for my paintings of late, and so my business began to fail. I'd sell on my few pieces quickly, to bring any money I could into the house. They usually got less then half of what I normally ask, but I was in no good position to be picky.

Most of the time I left the store quite downcast, and depressed. I always imagined my work in a big gallery, or hung on the walls of the rich and famous. Not in a dingy consignment store, who had passed their prime before I was born. I hurt, but money was money, and that was something we just seemed to consantly need more of.

Amethyst has taken up a rather unexciting hobby, that most others her age has also picked up..watching TV. And lots of it. Sometimes she would put a movie on, but a lot of the time she would watch the news, or just anything else she could find to pass the time. I'm not sure why she enjoyed it, but who was I to deprive her of her fun?

But when she turned 9, we decided that we needed to do *something* to get her out of the house. We bought her a bike. Not a big one, nothing fancy, but a bike. She loved it, and we knew it was a good move. The TV bill went right down. We were wary at first, letting her out on it alone, as she was so young. We soon came to realize though that this was silly. It was a nice town, more or less, and as long as she rode around in the day time, there was always a neighborhood watch on to protect her. She mainly went to one place, every day. Only one place drew her back more then once..

Dusk's house. It was a pretty big place, plenty of room for him and the new arrival. Yep, they had a baby boy not to long ago now. They called our house wiht the news, and guess who picked up first.. that's right, Am.

"You had a what-now?"

His name is Damien. I think it's a very beautiful name, but when Dusk told Mom she just about died. Literally. All the blood rushed out of her face, and she didn't really speak for the rest of the day. I'm not sure why that name got her, but what ever reason she had, it must have been a good one.

Am was the first to decide on regular visits to her cousin. We all wanted to, of course, but work and my own kids sort of got in the way. We of course, visited the little guy sometimes, but not as often as we'd like. Amy took care of that. She was forever over at Dusk's house, playing with her little cousin, who by the way, is a right cutie!

The same hair mystery as Jet has, but definitely his Daddy's green eyes. Obviously dressed to his Daddy's taste as well. Typical, huh?

My other girls also found ways to pass the time. With dolls from their Grandma. Yea, Mom decided to treat them, and by golly has it worked a charm. I don't think we've heard as much as a peep out of either of them since! Sometimes, if you listen really, really carefully, you can hear Jet singing to her Doll as I do to her. It's beautiful, but she's so dreadfully shy it almost always ceases as anyone walks into the room.

So life continued on, until one day Joel brought home.. a surprise, shall we say? I can't really say that, as it was a person. A lady to be precise. As she walked up the drive with Joel, I can't say that I wasn't at all suspicious, but I needn't have been at all.

She walked in the door, and Joel just smiled at her, and planted a kiss on my cheek, saying that Jinx could explain the rest.

Well I greeted her in a true Dawn fashion, and gave her a quick friendly squeeze. She let out a slight laugh, and it rang through the house like bells. It reminded me of the twins' laugh, but somehow the pitch had a more mystical air about it.

She had a look of being .. out of place in our home. Not uncomfortable, but definitely out of place.

"I'm Dawn, Joel's wife" I beamed, hoping to set her at some sort of ease in the environment.

"I'm Jinx. Jinx Lightning. I'm Joel's work partner's sister." Her voice was also higher then mine, and had a way of calming you, while making the hairs on the back of your neck stand on end. She had the slightest Transimvanian accent, obviously just caught from a relative, rather then living in the country itself.

"How can I help you, Jinx?" I asked pleasantly. Her name fit her laugh, and her voice. Magical.

"I heard that  you paint, Ms Carmody? Is this rumor true?"

"It is, yes. I paint for a living, and please call me Dawn."

"I wonder, Ms..ah Dawn, if you could paint me a portrait? Of myself, that is?"

I was shocked. She was, very very beautiful. I looked her over quickly. Strong features, pale skin tones, and the electrifying, ice blue eyes. I was sure I could do her justice, with adequate time to work.

"I'd love to paint you! You'd have to spend some time around here, with me and the kids, but I'm sure I could make a painting you'd like very much in the end."

"I will pay you, Dawn, for your trouble."

I went to reject the offer, happy for some sort of work to do, not just waiting around for the baby to be born, but she interjected.

"Don't try to deny me! I have the funds ready, and I am not one to.. ah.. mooch thing off of people. Please, don't insult me with a refusal."

I just shook my head, and she beamed at me, showing a row of perfect teeth.

We spent much time together while I began her painting. She would stand and talk with me, as I sketched to the canvas the bold lines of her nose, and cheek bones, then the soft corners to her mouth, and eyes.

She was extremely fascinated with the growing life inside me. She was an only child, and never met anyone in my 'condition' before. She wondered at the growing size of my womb, and how I wasn't in constant agony. We spent a long time over coffee discussing the whole.. uh.. process. Needless to say Mom was outside, and Am was at school. She didn't need THAT conversation quite yet.

My days quickly filled with painting, and sketching. Joel was forced to step up and be a Father for once! He spent his time off in the nursery now, instead of on the computer. If he ever brought up the time I spent with Jinx, I would remind him of who brought her home, and that would soon shut him up.

Every day though, Jinx would leave either when the sun set, or when we finished our evening meal, depending on whether she had stayed to eat or not. And you can bet, that everyday, I went to bed exhausted.

Carrying around my own weight, plus a baby all day while concentrating on not messing up the painting? Not an easy task, especially with all the morning-but-actually-all-day sickness.

I'd go to bed each night, and fall fast asleep. I didn't even bother to look at Joel's new bedside picture..ughh..maybe in the morning..

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Chapter 2.5 ~ Life Goes On

Life goes on. We all know it, and try our best to accept it. We can't change the past, and we can't predict the future. My life was no exception, and it too, has gone on.

A lot has happened since the last time I wrote, so Ill just take this little time away from the kids to tell you about it.

The first thing we did after Amethyst ( fondly referred to as Amy) was settled into our little family, was get married. Now, as you can imagine, no one was up for celebrating the day, or really, the marriage at all. Joel and I made our way down to the City Hall, alone, and really quite sullen.

A few signatures later, and I was a married woman. No more little teenage Dawn, I was a wife, and a Mom. Things had to change in my life, and quickly. So they did.

After we were married, everyone realized something and quickly. Our little 2 bedroom condo was indeed just that: little. We had to upgrade, so we contacted a few people, and soon found ourselves in a beautiful family home, plenty big enough for us all.

Everyone was happy for a while. Years, passed, and soon Dusk and I left school.

We both graduated with honors. I was offered a full scholarship to Simford, but had to turn it down. It was one of the hardest things Ive done, but I couldn't just up and leave my family for school. Amy was just a baby then, and she could barely speak at that time, let alone fend for herself while I was away. Okay.. maybe she wouldn't have to fend for herself..Dusk was there.

For a while. Then he dropped a bombshell.

"Mom? Dawn? Amy? I have something to tell you... I'm moving out with Cherry."

Oh yea..Cherry. Dusk's wife. Now, don't get me wrong, she's a great girl. I just don't like her all that much. She's overly flirty, smears every sentence she speaks with layer upon layer of sickly sweetness, and dresses in clothing that I'd have been embarrassed to glance at on the mannequin. Over all though, she was alright. Pretty as anything, as in love with my brother as humanly possible, and as far as I knew, not on anything she shouldn't be on.

In my books, that makes a person okay.

Mom was devastated. I mean devastated. She spent a few days locked in her room, crying. I'd go in when she'd let me, and she'd cry on my shoulder, saying over and over that everyone she loves goes away. It was quite the sight, but after a while, Dusk was aloud into her room, and they talked it out.

The evening of their departure arrived quicker then anyone really wanted it to (aside from Cherry who only wished it'd been sooner). I spent a little while saying my farewells to Cherry.

"I'll miss you all!! I'll miss  staying here! I mean, you guys are so awesome! I just love you all! OMG! I just realized, I am one of you guys now! AHH! That means I'm awesome too!"

See? She's alot to handle all in one go..

"Awe, hun! You'll be round here all the time! We'll miss having you here, but you guys need some privacy!"

She laughed at this, probably a little lost at my lack of..pep. Yea, it's pep.

As our conversation ended, I drew a small gift from it's hiding spot in the house, and brought it outside to Cherry. It wasn't really anything, just a duvet cover for their new house that I'd picked up during the week, but from Cherry's reaction, you'd think I'd given her all the riches of the world!

"Oh my Gosh. Oh dear me. Oh Gosh! Oooh! I love it, Dawny! I love it! It's so pretty! You're so awesome!"

Awesome= Cherry's favorite word.

No, I don't think Ill miss waking up to her energy every morning.

Then came the real hard part.

I kept the silly smile glued to my face. Mom was already on the verge of tears, Dusk didn't need to feel worse.

"I'm going to miss you, Dusk" I whispered.

"I'm gonna miss you too, Dawn."

Now, I know it was only ten minutes in the car, but we'd never been apart. From the womb, to today, there'd never been a time I didn't have my brother by my side.

"You're going to visit me right? Don't just forget about us legacy people over here" I laughed gently, trying desperately to lighten the mood, before these tears spilt.

"Course. I mean, you can hardly be expected to live with Mom, Joel, AND Amy for any length of time!"

This time, I really laughed. It was muffled though, as those tears had shown themselves, and I was bawling into his shoulder.

"I love you Dusk"

"Love you too, Dawn"

He stroked my hair gently, until Mom gently cleared her throat behind me. I pulled away slowly, not wanted to let go of Dusk.

"Take care of yourself, baby boy" Mom said firmly, but with love, into Dusk's ear.

"You know I will Mom. I love you."

"I love you too."

I knew that they had said their true goodbyes earlier, when nobody else was around. Mom wouldn't let him leave with a few simple lines, I knew that for certain.

Dusk then swooped to my feet, and snatched Amethyst up, tickling her the whole way. She screamed with laughter, letting that beautiful sound ring out for the whole world to hear.

"Bye Bye Amy. Be good for Mommy."

"Gowing?" Amy said, head to the side, eyes slightly glazed. She may not have been able to talk all that well, or understand everything to perfection, but she did love her Uncle, and she knew something was happening.

"Yes chick, I am going. Ill come visit all the time though!"

Her bottom lip stuck out immediately, and she buried her head in his shoulder, making little whimpering noises. Her held her head close, before handing her back to me.

The light quickly left us, as the evening turned to night. Joel came out after all the emotional parts were finished, as he didn't want to impose, and said goodbye to his brother-in-law.

It was all so stiff, and formal, I wondered at how fast a relationship could change. Only three years ago, they were inseparable.

"Take Care, Dusk."

"You too. Take care of my family, Joel. Don't let them  fend for themselves at any time, got it?"


As Dusk and Cherry went to the car, Mom let the tears go again. I tried really hard not to follow her lead, but it was all in vain, and within the minute it took them to load the trunk of the car, I had my face stained with the mascara of the day.

It was so silly. He wasn't dead, he could visit, or call, anytime he wanted. But he was going. Easy, like that.

I think that was the part that hurt, that he could leave. I knew I never could, even if I wanted. Never.

Soon enough, all the Carmody girls were sobbing. I'm not sure how much Am understood, but it was obviously enough.

With one blown kiss to us girls, and a civil nod of the head to Joel, they hopped in the old car, and drove off. With them, they took everyhting I'd tried to cling onto. All my childhood memories included Dusk. With him leaving, I had to accept that the easy, carefree part of my life was gone too.

Needless to say, most of your household cried in bed that night.

But we are talking about life going on, and again, it did. Years passed in fact. Dusk would visit constantly, and no less now then in the first few days of leaving. I grew up quickly, learning that even if Dusk had stayed, I would have had to be a big girl anyway. Last week, Dusk brought news that he and Cherry were expecting, we of course are overjoyed, and I can't wait to meet my niece, or nephew.

As time went on, the house seemed empty. We, being Joel and I, quickly fixed this problem. A few years after Dusk left, I found myself pregnant. No one was unhappy this time round, and everyone was excited for the new arrival, even Am, who had just started Grade Two at the local school. Of course, she spent endless hours bragging to her friends that she was becoming a big sister.

A few Doctor's appointments later, we found I was expecting twins.

While I was pregnant this time, my true motherly instincts took over. I was the typical Mother, cooking,cleaning, and tending to the family. Amethyst would stop by while I cooked, and we would talk about her day at school. Sometimes about the girls, sometimes about the boys. The latter conversations were quickly changed, as I didn't want my 8 year old getting any thoughts. Nope. I made that mistake.

Mom, Am, and I would all eat the meal I cooked, be it burnt, or not. Mostly burnt, but that's beside the point.

Joel was a hard worker, so that's what he spent most of his time doing. Working. Partially, I think he was trying to make it up to Dusk, so we would never be tight on cash, or anything of the sort. I knew it would never work, but we still needed the money.

He would work at the CEO buildings in town all day, then come home at 5 only to carry on work until we went to bed. Usually, this was at about 11, or 12 at night, and so the kids usually didn't see all that much of him. Life was as it was though, and this was how it was for a lot of families today.

I did my share as well though, picking up my old hobby and making it a career.

Whenever Am was at school, I'd be at my easel. Sometimes Id need second opinions, and drag Joel away from his work for a whole 20 seconds, but most of the time, I got to keep to myself.

Until the twins came.

Trust me they are so so different, you'd never think they were siblings, let alone twins! The blonde, is Jade, and the one with black hair, is Jet. We have no idea where she got that hair color.. but it suits her.

Jade is the night crier. All night. Every night. It doesn't really matter what time of night it is, as long as she's awake, she needs something, and that means everyone must know about it.

On most nights, Jet just sleeps through. She's the angel, when it comes to sleeping. Any other time.. maybe not. She doesn't like walking, or talking, or eating. She does however, like being outside.

Unless Mom is on one of her 'nights', where she doesn't sleep a wink, just kind of cries, and thinks about her life up until now, Im the one to tend to the kids. Joel works such long hours, its unfair to have him up all night as well.

Having all the kids is a handful, especially at meals, when no one seems to be hungry for the same thing. Bedtime is hard too, because of course everyone isn't tired, and needs one more story, or one more goodnight kiss.

Too add to it all?

I'm pregnant again.