I spent my days in my room. Alone, in old sweats. I hadn't worn anything else since I got 'depressed', as everyone else called it. Dying, depression, it's all the same. You can't stand the pain anymore, so you give up. It just depends how ready your body is for giving up, on whether you leave this planet or not. Mine still had some things to take care of, so here I was, Earthbound for however much longer.
Suicide. A dirty word. A bad word. A secret word. Not something anyone wanted to talk about, you as much mention it, and you're exiled. No one knows what to do, or if they should do anything at all, so like most things a person doesn't understand, they leave it alone.
I had thought about it numerous times. A few extra pills in the morning, running to quickly down the hallway, and accidently find myself flying out the window, end of story, pain gone. But how could I do that to the kids? They would never fully understand, and I couldn't not yet.
Joel didn't know what to do with himself, or me for that matter. Comfort me? Laugh at the pain? Relish in the fact I was defenseless? No, he stayed away. Just like everyone else. If I broke down with him in the room, then I earned a shoulder to cry on, but that wasn't often. I was careful to try and keep the silent neutral look on my face when anyone was around. No need to start the questions now, huh?
It was on one of the days that I didn't even move that I realized what I had to do. I promised myself when Jinx left that I'd limit my choices more, and try and forget. I lied to myself everyday, trying to believe that that was exactly what I had done. But in truth, all I had done was miss her more.
Limit the choices.
Limit my choices.
Jinx or Joel.
One or the other.
Then I remembered what Momma used to say to me when stuck with a choice.
"If you can't pick one, choose neither."
Choose neither? Right.
So then it was decided.
The next day I sat with Am when she came home from school. She had been watching the TV, but my presence drew her attention away from the channel. Her eyes met mine, and I could tell she had a million questions, but didn't want to ask. I knew I would feel the same way, if I had been her.
"Heya Mom. What's up"
"Not much, how was school?"
She raised her eyebrow at me, but it was expected. I hadn't really spoken in weeks, then I ask how was school?
"Good. Algebra is a real pain in the side, but I'm getting there."
Silence fell upon us, and I knew I had to spit out what I wanted to say.
"You know I love you, Am."
"Course, Mom! I love you too."
I stood up, and so did she. I pulled her into my arms, and held her tight. I could feel the steady beat of her heart, and the rhythmic rise and fall of her chest against mine. She was living. One thing she could do, that I couldn't.
"I mean it, Amethyst. No matter what anybody says in the future, or now for that matter, I never once regretted having you, or stopped loving you for a second."
She faltered for a second, before replying.
"Mom, are you okay?"
Of course she was worried. I would be. This was exactly what Mom said to be before she died.
"Fine, love. Now how about some help with that Algebra?"
She nodded, eyes not believing me, but mind knowing it was foolish to carry on the subject.
We sat on the floor and worked through a whopping 50 algebra questions. It was then that I almost cried, looking at the possibilities she had, and that I also had these possibilities, but mine were shot down a long time ago.
The Sun soon set over the horizon, and it was time to put the girls to bed. I hadn't had this duty in a long time, normally passed out by this time of day. The girls welcomed me back, though with a little reservation on their faces this time. I'd been gone fore too long, these few weeks with no Mom felt the same for them.
"Girls, I'd like you to listen to me. I love you both very much. So much, you could never imagine. I just wanted you to know that."
I got no reply from Jade as she was already quietly snoring from the top bunk.
"I love you to Mommy" Jet managed to yawn, before her eyes also shut, and her breathing became steady.
"Good Night girls." I whispered, leaving the room after flicking off the light.
Then I peeked my head into the room next door, Amethyst's bedroom, to make sure she was okay.
She was just getting under the covers as I popped my head in. I smiled at her, and said good night, and turned the light off as I left the room.
My final stop of the night was the room to my youngest. They were both still so fragile, and innocent, I found it hard to imagine that my life could have once been so simple. I could only hope heirs stayed reasonably so.
They both went into their cribs quietly, tuckered out from a hard day's play. I kissed both their heads, and told them I loved them, before tidying up the toys from the floor. Just as I was about to leave the room, I small wimper met my ears. I turned to find Moon awake, eyes glistening. I rushed over before the tears started.
Moon grabbed my fingers as I came over.
"I wuv you" she murmered, bringing my fingers to her mouth. She had only just begun using proper words, and it almost made me cry.
"I love you too, baby doll."
"I miss you"
I was puzzled. Miss me? How could she- no, Dawn don't be an idiot. How could she possibly know what you're about to do??!
"I'll be here in the morning baby, go to sleep." I gently petted her hair until her eyes closed, and the rise and fall of her chest fell into a steady rhythm.
Then the game was on.
I walked to the room, and went to the dresser.
If I was going to do this, I was gonna do it right.
Next step, pad over to the bathroom.
Tie hair back securely, as not to have any distractions. Check.
And finally, move silently down the stairs as not to alert anyone to the task at hand.
I moved to the doorway, and he didn't even look up. I moved slightly, shifting my weight, and he was alerted to my presence.
"Hey, Hun. What you doing?"
"Just.. finishing business. Tying up loose ends."
He finally looked over at me, eyes taking me in, travelling from up to down. That same action sent shivers of pleasure down my spine, but now, nothing.
"What are you wearing, Dawn?" he asked, obviously perturbed.
"Theatrics are under-rated, Joel."
"Are you okay, Dawn? Are you sick? Should I call Dusk over..?"
"Leave my brother out of this. This problem is between you and me."
"I should say solution, really" I said drawing the gun that had been tightly shoved into a back pocket, bringing it into view.
"What the Hell is that, Dawn."
"You're a smart boy, Joel. Can't you see this is a gun?" I mocked, voice dripping with sarcasm, and hatred.
A thump sounded behind me, but I ignored it. Damn raccoons in the trash again.
"It's over Joel, accept it. I hate you. I loathe you with every fiber of my being. I want you to die."
He said nothing, merely nodded. What a fudging wimp.
"The fudge are you doing, Dawn?" a voice said behind me, making me jump ever so slightly. I'd have panicked, if I hadn't known the voice so well.
"What the Hell are you doing here Jinx."
"I came to get my portrait."
"I've.. I've been busy."
I drew my fingers to my temple. This was going so wrong.
"Get in here, now."
"I don't understand, Dawn. What went wrong? You were such a beautiful person."
I looked at her in the eye.
"Karma's a beast. I did wrong, so now I'm all wrong."
Simple, but true.
"You can't do this!" Jinx yelled.
Joel just made little crying sounds in the corner, that were beginning to grind on my nerves.
It was true. I didn't have to do this. I could run now, let everyone think I ran away with another man. Make a life in Bridgeport. But it was all too late, I'd still be broken.
"But I have too."
I rose the gun again, this time determined not to let anything stand in my way. I sidestepped over to Joel.
"This is for ruining everything I had, and ripping away everything I could be."
I closed my eyes, and pulled the trigger.
The silencer deprived the gun of a loud noise, but a muted sound came out, and a thump let me know the job was done. Partially at least.
My husband lay dead at my feet. I tried to feel remorse, or guilt, but nothing came. I really was a bad person now.
I moved back over to Jinx, who sported a look of content rather then fear. She was a good woman, caught up in a real bad mess. I suddenly thought of dropping the gun, and taking her with me, away from here. Wherever it was that I planned going after I was done. I never planned that far ahead.
Jinx looked me in the eye, and smiled a half smile.
"I love you Dawn."
I looked at her too.
"I love you as well. More than anything. You're the reason my life changed, because someone decided I needed to feel love. Look how far that got me."
"Looks to me it got you pretty far."
It was true. I'd come a long way from the happy housewife of a few years ago. but had I moved up, or down?
"Goodbye, Jinx. I wish you all the luck in the world getting where you deserve to be, after here."
She nodded, and I pulled the trigger one, final time.
This time I did not close my eyes. This time, I watched her clutch her heart in agony, and slowly sink to the floor. This time, I watched the woman I love slip away from me, and had to fight the urge to try and bring her back.
Her final breath came quickly, and soon she was on the floor with my husband. the decision I couldn't make, laid in front of me. And suddenly it was so clear. I only hurt for the death of one. Therefore, I could have only cared for one.
But it took their deaths to show me that.
The sun rose, and a tear left my eye. I wished I had been stronger, been able to decide without hurting anyone else. I was weak, though. So, so weak.
A padding of bare feet on the stairs alerted me to my idiocy. Alerted me to how foolish I had been, doing the job in my own home, with me kids upstairs.
"Momma! What have you done?!" Amethyst exclaimed.
I turned to try and explain, but she had already run for the phone.