2.9 ~ Limit My Options

"Yes. It will be this afternoon, please try and arrive for 5pm. We are holding up, thank you Mrs. Langerak. I'll see you then."

I had put myself in charge of the funeral. Both Jinx, and Joel had offered, but I thought it best to do this last thing for Mom.

The doctor had been able to tell us that she had gone peacefully, in her sleep. Her heart had just stopped, not a cardiac arrest, just..stopped. The doctor said that some people just feel they've had their time, and let go of life, but I just couldn't ever imagine Momma ever just giving up.

I had put together a memorial of sorts. A marble podium stood at the end of a rose-edged walkway. On the podium were two tanks, each with its own butterfly. These butterflies were the only thing my Mom cared about other then her music, and of course us. They were caught years and years ago, its a miracle they aren't dead really, but they served well for this occasion. The only other thing in the memorial was Mom's old keyboard, something we planned to keep around the house for memories sake.

We had planned a small family-only get together before the rest of the guests arrived, to mourn privately.

Jinx came to our private ceremony, as I wouldn't have it any other way. Joel broke down, even though I expected him to keep up a brave front for the family. Jinx was bawling even before she arrived, as her and my Mom had truly bonded over these past few years. And, don't let's forget poor Amethyst. She was so, so close to Mom, more so then myself even. They shared secrets, and ate cookies, and talked about other Grandmother-Granddaughter things. All the things that the other girls had yet to have, and now, never would.

The middle girls were old enough to understand that something was very wrong, and they knew Grandma was gone, but our little 'uns were totally unaware. They were placed in the garden, and left to do their own thing while the grown-ups mourned.

When I took a moment from mourning, I realized that there was a guest who was uninvited. He was an older man, hair greying, but body still fit and strong.

He must have known Mom, because he was quietly crying away from the crowd. I was going to approach him, but decided to wait until firstly, Dusk and Cherry arrived, and secondly, all the friends of the family had arrived. Plus, he was doing no harm.

Dusk arrived later then we had planned, due to Damien's babysitter turning up late. Of course, we didn't mind, I just needed someone to hold me while I cried, so I knew that they were going through the exact same thing as I was. Dusk didn't cry, I mean, his wife was there, and he was a man now, but he didn't smile. Not once. That said something.

Mom's old friend arrived right on time, at 5pm, just as the night was creeping in on us. They were losing some of their memories, and were a but confused, but Ms.Landgraab kept Mrs. Langerak in line.

As the night came in, Amethyst asked me a favour. The honor to play 'Amazing Grace' at her Grandmother's funeral, on her Grandmother's old keyboard. I had no clue she could play, but she told me that Mother had been teaching her. Jinx spoke up asking to sing, which of course, I allowed her to do.

They spoke a few words, and then Am sat down and played a short intro before Jinx opened her mouth, and the angels sang with her..


Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.
T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.
Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.
The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.
Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.
When we've been here ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we've first begun.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.


It was beautiful, and all the dry eyes were crying again, her words touching all our hearts. I took the opportunity to go over to the strange man, and introduce myself.

"Hello Sir. I don't believe I know you. did you know Alexis?"

"Hello, and that I did. My name is Damien, Alexis and I were very close. So close in fact, that the purple butterfly over there was caught by yours truly."

Damien. Oh, so that's why Mom freaked at my nephew's name. Small world, huh?

"What relation are you to Lexi, may I ask miss?" He inquired.

"I am ..uh.. was her daughter, Dawn Carmody. And that man over there, is my twin brother Dusk."

"Wow. Twins. She married then?" He asked, eyes shining.

"Never. She never married, sir."

He touched the ring that was tied around his neck by some thread, pondering the information he had just gotten.

"How odd. Neither did I." He smiled, and I did too. Suddenly, int he back of my head, I had this urge to grow close to this man. I ignored it, of course. This man was a perfect stranger to me.

"I am about to take my Mother's grave to the graveyard while my husband winds down the guests. Would you care to accompany me?" I offered.

"No, no thats okay. I will get going now. Thank you for having me, and I'm very sorry for your loss. She was a gem."

I nodded, and watched his car drive away before hopping into my own.

I went to the graveyard alone, and laid my Mother's grave in the space we had bought. I stood and cried for a little while, before leaving what I had left of my Mother in the cold graveyard. R.I.P Alexis Carmody

I arrived home to find the house silent. Joel was asleep in the living room, Am, Jade, and Jet asleep in their beds, and Moon and Morgan gurgling from the nursery. I popped my head in to say goodnight to my youngest, before heading to bed.

The next morning, I woke to find Jinx snoring quietly beside me, still dressed in her dress from last night, face stained with the tears shed hours before.

I got out of bed as silently as I could, so not to wake Jinx. Without bothering to change, I crept downstairs to the kitchen for some Coffee. Ah coffee, java, caffeine. It was my drug, my stimulant. My only way of functioning these days, what with everything going on. Mom's death had given me a window of time to think of the events with Jinx. To give myself time to decide, to choose. Keep me happy, or the kids happy?

 
The first taste was the best. It was a flood of warmth, sugar, and energy. Just what I needed, but I always needed more. It cleared my mind. It made me see that I was spoilt, spoilt for choice. I had too many options on what to do with my life.

"Too much coffee is a bad thing you know." a familiar voice chimed before me.

I looked up to see the face of a beautiful woman, and a beautiful person. Someone I loved dearly, and it was then I knew what to do, I had to limit my options.

"Jinx, we need to talk. Get changed and meet me in the living room. Joel's gone to work, and we need to do this before the girls wake up."

She nodded, before rushing up the stairs, with me close behind. I threw on the black garments I had worn all week in remembrance.

We sat in the living room, and I didn't know what to say. I loved her, so so much, but it had to end. I had to limit my choices.

"Jinx. We have to end this. I'm no good as a Mother when I'm with you."

She faltered.

"What? you're breaking up with me?"

"We were never really together, Jinx. It was one time. I love you, so much, but it can't go on."

She nodded, silently.

She bit her lip to keep from crying, and looked away.

"I understand. Your family has to come first, above everything. Could we still be friends? and just that?"

I looked at her face, contorted with pain, tears threatening to spill.

"No, Jinx. I don't think that's a good idea."

She nodded again, before standing.

Then she snapped, and fell on my shoulder crying, no, sobbing. She made quiet sniffling sounds, and her makeup stained my shirt, but I didn't mind. I was crying now too.

She rose her face to meet mine, and kissed me briefly. It was hard, passionate, and full of emotion, and way to short. I wanted her more then anything in the world, but I had to fight my fickle restraint system, and limit my options.

"I'll go now." She said, forcing the pain off her face best she could.

"I love you." I whispered.

"You too, Dawn. And I always will, no matter how hard you try and drive me away, I'll always love you."

And with that she was gone. The woman who finally showed me friendship, and love. The woman who was with me through all the bad times, and taught me to be true to myself. The woman who was my emotional pillar through all this mess, and without her I could already feel myself crumbling down.

I grabbed another coffee, and a few Simsprins for my raging headache. I sat at the table, regret flooding my body. What had I just thrown away? The best thing I ever had. I had chosen wrong, and made my life a misery. It was then I realized that even though I had thrown Jinx out of my life, I was still undecided on what, or who, I wanted.

And so I decided.

I had to limit my options again. Permanently.

Chapter 2.8 ~ Realizations

"It's finished, Jinx! Come see!" I cried out to an almost empty house, only containing Jinx, my Mother, and Myself.

Jinx came skipping in, a smile on her face. Her eyes danced with her smile, resting first on me, then the painting of her. It turned out well, if I do say so myself.

"It's gorgeous, Dawn. I love it, completely and entirely, I love it!"

She threw her hands around me, still beaming like an idiot.

"Thank you, so much" She whispered in my ear, hot breath on my neck.

"You're welcome, Jinx. It was my pleasure. You have no idea how much I loved painting this for you!"

She pulled away, obviously thinking, by the way her brow was slightly furrowed.

"I want you to come out with me, to a club. Tonight." Jinx said, looking me dead in the eye.

"Ah.. Um I don't know about that." Clubs weren't always fun for people like me. People who could just about kill themselves to a song fast enough.

"Well I do. You need a break. Come, please? My treat, my thank you." Jinx pleaded, eyes growing large, bottom lip jutting out.

I looked at her, and then quickly thought of how I had planned to spend my night. Alone with a book, or with the girls if they'd have me.

Yea, Am and I were having some problems. She was always a Daddy's girl, and from her point of view, I was hurting her Daddy real bad. One day she'd understand, so I let her win every fight. I didn't want two enemies in this house.

All my girls were angels though. All of them tried their hardest not to cause trouble, and help out. I knew that for one evening, my house would be in safe hands.

"Sure, Jinx. I'll come with you." I replied. She got that excited look in her eye, and jumped all around like a school girl.  I promised to meet her in my bathroom after lunch for a make-over, and she then bounded off to make a meal.

I went through after her, to set the table for our meal, only to find Mom already eating.

Mom had been doing better lately, if not greying slightly around the edges. She was still my Momma though, and I saw her as nothing but beautiful. She was eating, smiling, and talking a bunch more. Somehow I thought of her as more peaceful then confused these days. I was happy that she had broken out of her funk, as it had been a constant worry to me.

Mom came slowly over to me when I entered the room, and wrapped her arms around me. I clung to her like I always did, stroking her back in hopes to calm her. This technique I had picked up from Jinx.

"I need you to stay the strong girl I raised you as, Dawn." Mom said suddenly.

I was confused, and silent.

"Don't let anyone tell you that you don't deserve something, or that you're not good enough. You're always good enough. You deserve love, and lots of it."

"Are you okay Momma?" I whispered, not wanting to alert Jinx to the worry in the next room.

"I'm perfect, love. I just need you to know that I love you. So much. And no matter what you decide to do with your problems, I'll support those decisions."

"I love you too Mom. Thank you."

~~ 9 hours later ~~~

Hours later, I was stood in an elevator with Jinx at my side. The pounding music could already be heard above me, and I was made up to look almost nothing like myself. Truth be told, I loved it. Not one person could guess I was a mother to 5 kids right now.

Jinx had told me to forget about my life, and my troubles and have fun tonight. So I really let loose, and put the hips I had craved in High School into my new 'Sexy Walk' out of the elevator. Jinx laughed lightly, not wanting to crush my hopes at looking as good as her.

Jinx took my hand as we walked into the main dance floor, and lead me to where the music was loudest. The room was near empty, but after all it was a Tuesday night, not a Saturday.

I took a deep breath and forgot my name, my husbands name, and let myself go wild.

We started on the dancefloor. Jinx had a talent with where to put her body to be completely provocative while not looking idiotic. A Talent I lacked.

I fell over in these stupid heels that Jinx strapped me in more times then I cared to remember. I was quickly pulled back up, and a smile would always find itself back on my face.

It was impossible not to have fun when I was out with Jinx. She let herself loose, and everything that I loved about her in everyday life blossomed and made themselves the key points of Jinx. Her hair moved silently, and her hips twisted around me like she had planned both our steps hours before hand. Hell, maybe she had.

We soon made our way to the bubble blowing machine. I finally was able to show Jinx up in some sense because I had a skill for bubble blowing. Oh Gosh, I just realized how sad that sounds.

It's true though. Mine always came out big, and colorful, while Jinx's were normally quite petite and shiny.
Not that everything was a competition, but this was me, and I always strive for the best.

After a while we both grew bored. I began to feel like a young-again wannabe, with my warm body causing the already thin clothing to cling tightly to my body. Jinx was the same way, though didn't show it quite as much.

"Dawn, in the next room there's a hot-tub. We could freshen up in there. Plus, I love the bubbles!" She gushed. Those bubbles sure had an impact on her.. but I did want to rid myself of the too-tight fabric, so I agreed.

"So, why the Hell is there a hot-tub in a dance club?" I questioned, climbing in next to her.

"Lots of reasons. For fun, too cool off, to warm up." She paused. "Woohoo."

Suddenly, this whole hot-tub idea, was making me feel worse about myself. Especially in this swimsuit provided my the club. It was racy, and also tight. Now hearing this.. probably 100% infected. Ew.

"Relax!" She scoffed. "I'm only joking."

"Yea, likely story." I toyed, leaning back into the seat next to her.

I relaxed for a moment in total silence, other then the music from the next room. Jinx sighed lightly, and I suddenly regretted not using the hot tub at home more.

I glanced over to Jinx, who in turn glanced to me. Something was troubling her, and I knew that getting her to spill would be an easy feat.

"Jinx. what's up?" I began, knowing the answer already.

"Nothing. Just thinking."

"Fine. Penny for your thoughts."

She managed a thin smile, but her mind was somewhere else.

"Trust me Jinx. You know you can."

She nodded once, and turned toward me.

"Dawn. I don't want you to hate me, but you will. I don't want you to judge me, but you will. I want you to accept me, but you won't. These may be the last words we speak together, but I have to tell you. Dawn. I'm a lesbian. And I l- want you to understand."

I was shocked. That's the understatement of the year, I was absolutely blown away. Why hadn't she told me before?!

"You're lesbian. And you never told me?" I asked gently.

I think I'd always known. The little touches, 'friendly' kisses, and paying no attention to my husband or any other man in general. I'd always known but never admitted it to myself.

"I'm sorry."

I stayed silent, as silent as I could, thinking. She made a small sound in her throat, and I knew I had to ask the question that we both knew was coming.

"Are...are you attracted to me, Jinx?"

She looked at me, then at the water. Traced the small waves with her eyes, then followed the lines of my legs back to my eyes.

"Immensely so." she whispered.

I looked at her, and had to make some quick decisions. Stay with my husband, who hates me, and I him at the moment, or give in to my deep rooting adoration of the woman beside me, and finally feel love.

No brainer.

"Jinx.. I.. think.. I think I love you."

She looked at me and beamed. I could see doubt in her eyes, but at the same time, she was like a child on Christmas. Not wanting to let themselves believe that they had their wishes granted, but not wanting them to be taken away if they had been.

She laid her arm around my shoulder gently. She made baby steps toward me. Hadn't I had this before? With Joel? No. I had never been this excited with Joel.

A hand grasped mine under the water, firmly, but not meant to restrict. I could pull away at any moment. I knew what was coming, and I could hardly hold myself back.

" Maybe you do. Maybe you don't. all I know is that this is all I've dreamed of since I've known you, and I am never going to forgive myself if I let this moment go.We don't have to do this. Not right away, or ever if you don't want to Dawn. But trust me, I want to." she whispered while inches from my face.

"You don't understand. I love you. I need you. With every fiber of my body I want you right now." I pleaded.

She didn't have to be told twice.

Jinx laid her lips on mine, wet and warm from the steam around us. I tasted her lips, but couldn't place the flavor. The feeling in my stomach was warm, and I liked it. A lot. This, was what I had searched for my whole life. This was love.

~~~~

Jinx and I walked home in the early hours of the morning, only unlinking our arms as we arrived at my front door.

I had had the most perfect of nights, but now realized what kind of trouble I had put myself into. Should I stay with my husband for the kids, or stand up for myself and go for what I love? It was all so hard.

Joel was on the couch when I walked in. His one free night to take the bed and he stayed on the couch. It was in that moment that I saw the boy I had loved, but older, and weaker. 

"Dawn. Oh Hell, Dawn. I have some horrible, terrible news. I-"

"What's wrong? What did you do to the kids?!" I said, panic rising.

"No, not the kids.."

"Then what? My art? The car? Our house? The yard? Your job? " my voice was getting louder, words spilling out before I thought them through.

"Let me just tell you, please." He asked, voice tired, and old.

"Please tell me that you didn't go and buy something for hundreds and thousan-"

"LET ME SPEAK!" He yelled.

"Dawn, I think you should let him talk." Jinx spoke up, reminding me of other problems to deal with.

"TELL ME THEN!" I cried, exasperated.

Joel collapsed on the couch, head on his knees. I suddenly looked around for signs of the kids, or anyone, but fund nothing. Anger died away, and panic rose.

"Joel?" I croaked.

"Dawn. Your Mother passed away last night. She's gone."