2.9 ~ Limit My Options

"Yes. It will be this afternoon, please try and arrive for 5pm. We are holding up, thank you Mrs. Langerak. I'll see you then."

I had put myself in charge of the funeral. Both Jinx, and Joel had offered, but I thought it best to do this last thing for Mom.

The doctor had been able to tell us that she had gone peacefully, in her sleep. Her heart had just stopped, not a cardiac arrest, just..stopped. The doctor said that some people just feel they've had their time, and let go of life, but I just couldn't ever imagine Momma ever just giving up.

I had put together a memorial of sorts. A marble podium stood at the end of a rose-edged walkway. On the podium were two tanks, each with its own butterfly. These butterflies were the only thing my Mom cared about other then her music, and of course us. They were caught years and years ago, its a miracle they aren't dead really, but they served well for this occasion. The only other thing in the memorial was Mom's old keyboard, something we planned to keep around the house for memories sake.

We had planned a small family-only get together before the rest of the guests arrived, to mourn privately.

Jinx came to our private ceremony, as I wouldn't have it any other way. Joel broke down, even though I expected him to keep up a brave front for the family. Jinx was bawling even before she arrived, as her and my Mom had truly bonded over these past few years. And, don't let's forget poor Amethyst. She was so, so close to Mom, more so then myself even. They shared secrets, and ate cookies, and talked about other Grandmother-Granddaughter things. All the things that the other girls had yet to have, and now, never would.

The middle girls were old enough to understand that something was very wrong, and they knew Grandma was gone, but our little 'uns were totally unaware. They were placed in the garden, and left to do their own thing while the grown-ups mourned.

When I took a moment from mourning, I realized that there was a guest who was uninvited. He was an older man, hair greying, but body still fit and strong.

He must have known Mom, because he was quietly crying away from the crowd. I was going to approach him, but decided to wait until firstly, Dusk and Cherry arrived, and secondly, all the friends of the family had arrived. Plus, he was doing no harm.

Dusk arrived later then we had planned, due to Damien's babysitter turning up late. Of course, we didn't mind, I just needed someone to hold me while I cried, so I knew that they were going through the exact same thing as I was. Dusk didn't cry, I mean, his wife was there, and he was a man now, but he didn't smile. Not once. That said something.

Mom's old friend arrived right on time, at 5pm, just as the night was creeping in on us. They were losing some of their memories, and were a but confused, but Ms.Landgraab kept Mrs. Langerak in line.

As the night came in, Amethyst asked me a favour. The honor to play 'Amazing Grace' at her Grandmother's funeral, on her Grandmother's old keyboard. I had no clue she could play, but she told me that Mother had been teaching her. Jinx spoke up asking to sing, which of course, I allowed her to do.

They spoke a few words, and then Am sat down and played a short intro before Jinx opened her mouth, and the angels sang with her..


Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.
T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.
Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.
The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.
Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.
When we've been here ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we've first begun.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.


It was beautiful, and all the dry eyes were crying again, her words touching all our hearts. I took the opportunity to go over to the strange man, and introduce myself.

"Hello Sir. I don't believe I know you. did you know Alexis?"

"Hello, and that I did. My name is Damien, Alexis and I were very close. So close in fact, that the purple butterfly over there was caught by yours truly."

Damien. Oh, so that's why Mom freaked at my nephew's name. Small world, huh?

"What relation are you to Lexi, may I ask miss?" He inquired.

"I am ..uh.. was her daughter, Dawn Carmody. And that man over there, is my twin brother Dusk."

"Wow. Twins. She married then?" He asked, eyes shining.

"Never. She never married, sir."

He touched the ring that was tied around his neck by some thread, pondering the information he had just gotten.

"How odd. Neither did I." He smiled, and I did too. Suddenly, int he back of my head, I had this urge to grow close to this man. I ignored it, of course. This man was a perfect stranger to me.

"I am about to take my Mother's grave to the graveyard while my husband winds down the guests. Would you care to accompany me?" I offered.

"No, no thats okay. I will get going now. Thank you for having me, and I'm very sorry for your loss. She was a gem."

I nodded, and watched his car drive away before hopping into my own.

I went to the graveyard alone, and laid my Mother's grave in the space we had bought. I stood and cried for a little while, before leaving what I had left of my Mother in the cold graveyard. R.I.P Alexis Carmody

I arrived home to find the house silent. Joel was asleep in the living room, Am, Jade, and Jet asleep in their beds, and Moon and Morgan gurgling from the nursery. I popped my head in to say goodnight to my youngest, before heading to bed.

The next morning, I woke to find Jinx snoring quietly beside me, still dressed in her dress from last night, face stained with the tears shed hours before.

I got out of bed as silently as I could, so not to wake Jinx. Without bothering to change, I crept downstairs to the kitchen for some Coffee. Ah coffee, java, caffeine. It was my drug, my stimulant. My only way of functioning these days, what with everything going on. Mom's death had given me a window of time to think of the events with Jinx. To give myself time to decide, to choose. Keep me happy, or the kids happy?

 
The first taste was the best. It was a flood of warmth, sugar, and energy. Just what I needed, but I always needed more. It cleared my mind. It made me see that I was spoilt, spoilt for choice. I had too many options on what to do with my life.

"Too much coffee is a bad thing you know." a familiar voice chimed before me.

I looked up to see the face of a beautiful woman, and a beautiful person. Someone I loved dearly, and it was then I knew what to do, I had to limit my options.

"Jinx, we need to talk. Get changed and meet me in the living room. Joel's gone to work, and we need to do this before the girls wake up."

She nodded, before rushing up the stairs, with me close behind. I threw on the black garments I had worn all week in remembrance.

We sat in the living room, and I didn't know what to say. I loved her, so so much, but it had to end. I had to limit my choices.

"Jinx. We have to end this. I'm no good as a Mother when I'm with you."

She faltered.

"What? you're breaking up with me?"

"We were never really together, Jinx. It was one time. I love you, so much, but it can't go on."

She nodded, silently.

She bit her lip to keep from crying, and looked away.

"I understand. Your family has to come first, above everything. Could we still be friends? and just that?"

I looked at her face, contorted with pain, tears threatening to spill.

"No, Jinx. I don't think that's a good idea."

She nodded again, before standing.

Then she snapped, and fell on my shoulder crying, no, sobbing. She made quiet sniffling sounds, and her makeup stained my shirt, but I didn't mind. I was crying now too.

She rose her face to meet mine, and kissed me briefly. It was hard, passionate, and full of emotion, and way to short. I wanted her more then anything in the world, but I had to fight my fickle restraint system, and limit my options.

"I'll go now." She said, forcing the pain off her face best she could.

"I love you." I whispered.

"You too, Dawn. And I always will, no matter how hard you try and drive me away, I'll always love you."

And with that she was gone. The woman who finally showed me friendship, and love. The woman who was with me through all the bad times, and taught me to be true to myself. The woman who was my emotional pillar through all this mess, and without her I could already feel myself crumbling down.

I grabbed another coffee, and a few Simsprins for my raging headache. I sat at the table, regret flooding my body. What had I just thrown away? The best thing I ever had. I had chosen wrong, and made my life a misery. It was then I realized that even though I had thrown Jinx out of my life, I was still undecided on what, or who, I wanted.

And so I decided.

I had to limit my options again. Permanently.