Chapter 2.8 ~ Realizations

"It's finished, Jinx! Come see!" I cried out to an almost empty house, only containing Jinx, my Mother, and Myself.

Jinx came skipping in, a smile on her face. Her eyes danced with her smile, resting first on me, then the painting of her. It turned out well, if I do say so myself.

"It's gorgeous, Dawn. I love it, completely and entirely, I love it!"

She threw her hands around me, still beaming like an idiot.

"Thank you, so much" She whispered in my ear, hot breath on my neck.

"You're welcome, Jinx. It was my pleasure. You have no idea how much I loved painting this for you!"

She pulled away, obviously thinking, by the way her brow was slightly furrowed.

"I want you to come out with me, to a club. Tonight." Jinx said, looking me dead in the eye.

"Ah.. Um I don't know about that." Clubs weren't always fun for people like me. People who could just about kill themselves to a song fast enough.

"Well I do. You need a break. Come, please? My treat, my thank you." Jinx pleaded, eyes growing large, bottom lip jutting out.

I looked at her, and then quickly thought of how I had planned to spend my night. Alone with a book, or with the girls if they'd have me.

Yea, Am and I were having some problems. She was always a Daddy's girl, and from her point of view, I was hurting her Daddy real bad. One day she'd understand, so I let her win every fight. I didn't want two enemies in this house.

All my girls were angels though. All of them tried their hardest not to cause trouble, and help out. I knew that for one evening, my house would be in safe hands.

"Sure, Jinx. I'll come with you." I replied. She got that excited look in her eye, and jumped all around like a school girl.  I promised to meet her in my bathroom after lunch for a make-over, and she then bounded off to make a meal.

I went through after her, to set the table for our meal, only to find Mom already eating.

Mom had been doing better lately, if not greying slightly around the edges. She was still my Momma though, and I saw her as nothing but beautiful. She was eating, smiling, and talking a bunch more. Somehow I thought of her as more peaceful then confused these days. I was happy that she had broken out of her funk, as it had been a constant worry to me.

Mom came slowly over to me when I entered the room, and wrapped her arms around me. I clung to her like I always did, stroking her back in hopes to calm her. This technique I had picked up from Jinx.

"I need you to stay the strong girl I raised you as, Dawn." Mom said suddenly.

I was confused, and silent.

"Don't let anyone tell you that you don't deserve something, or that you're not good enough. You're always good enough. You deserve love, and lots of it."

"Are you okay Momma?" I whispered, not wanting to alert Jinx to the worry in the next room.

"I'm perfect, love. I just need you to know that I love you. So much. And no matter what you decide to do with your problems, I'll support those decisions."

"I love you too Mom. Thank you."

~~ 9 hours later ~~~

Hours later, I was stood in an elevator with Jinx at my side. The pounding music could already be heard above me, and I was made up to look almost nothing like myself. Truth be told, I loved it. Not one person could guess I was a mother to 5 kids right now.

Jinx had told me to forget about my life, and my troubles and have fun tonight. So I really let loose, and put the hips I had craved in High School into my new 'Sexy Walk' out of the elevator. Jinx laughed lightly, not wanting to crush my hopes at looking as good as her.

Jinx took my hand as we walked into the main dance floor, and lead me to where the music was loudest. The room was near empty, but after all it was a Tuesday night, not a Saturday.

I took a deep breath and forgot my name, my husbands name, and let myself go wild.

We started on the dancefloor. Jinx had a talent with where to put her body to be completely provocative while not looking idiotic. A Talent I lacked.

I fell over in these stupid heels that Jinx strapped me in more times then I cared to remember. I was quickly pulled back up, and a smile would always find itself back on my face.

It was impossible not to have fun when I was out with Jinx. She let herself loose, and everything that I loved about her in everyday life blossomed and made themselves the key points of Jinx. Her hair moved silently, and her hips twisted around me like she had planned both our steps hours before hand. Hell, maybe she had.

We soon made our way to the bubble blowing machine. I finally was able to show Jinx up in some sense because I had a skill for bubble blowing. Oh Gosh, I just realized how sad that sounds.

It's true though. Mine always came out big, and colorful, while Jinx's were normally quite petite and shiny.
Not that everything was a competition, but this was me, and I always strive for the best.

After a while we both grew bored. I began to feel like a young-again wannabe, with my warm body causing the already thin clothing to cling tightly to my body. Jinx was the same way, though didn't show it quite as much.

"Dawn, in the next room there's a hot-tub. We could freshen up in there. Plus, I love the bubbles!" She gushed. Those bubbles sure had an impact on her.. but I did want to rid myself of the too-tight fabric, so I agreed.

"So, why the Hell is there a hot-tub in a dance club?" I questioned, climbing in next to her.

"Lots of reasons. For fun, too cool off, to warm up." She paused. "Woohoo."

Suddenly, this whole hot-tub idea, was making me feel worse about myself. Especially in this swimsuit provided my the club. It was racy, and also tight. Now hearing this.. probably 100% infected. Ew.

"Relax!" She scoffed. "I'm only joking."

"Yea, likely story." I toyed, leaning back into the seat next to her.

I relaxed for a moment in total silence, other then the music from the next room. Jinx sighed lightly, and I suddenly regretted not using the hot tub at home more.

I glanced over to Jinx, who in turn glanced to me. Something was troubling her, and I knew that getting her to spill would be an easy feat.

"Jinx. what's up?" I began, knowing the answer already.

"Nothing. Just thinking."

"Fine. Penny for your thoughts."

She managed a thin smile, but her mind was somewhere else.

"Trust me Jinx. You know you can."

She nodded once, and turned toward me.

"Dawn. I don't want you to hate me, but you will. I don't want you to judge me, but you will. I want you to accept me, but you won't. These may be the last words we speak together, but I have to tell you. Dawn. I'm a lesbian. And I l- want you to understand."

I was shocked. That's the understatement of the year, I was absolutely blown away. Why hadn't she told me before?!

"You're lesbian. And you never told me?" I asked gently.

I think I'd always known. The little touches, 'friendly' kisses, and paying no attention to my husband or any other man in general. I'd always known but never admitted it to myself.

"I'm sorry."

I stayed silent, as silent as I could, thinking. She made a small sound in her throat, and I knew I had to ask the question that we both knew was coming.

"Are...are you attracted to me, Jinx?"

She looked at me, then at the water. Traced the small waves with her eyes, then followed the lines of my legs back to my eyes.

"Immensely so." she whispered.

I looked at her, and had to make some quick decisions. Stay with my husband, who hates me, and I him at the moment, or give in to my deep rooting adoration of the woman beside me, and finally feel love.

No brainer.

"Jinx.. I.. think.. I think I love you."

She looked at me and beamed. I could see doubt in her eyes, but at the same time, she was like a child on Christmas. Not wanting to let themselves believe that they had their wishes granted, but not wanting them to be taken away if they had been.

She laid her arm around my shoulder gently. She made baby steps toward me. Hadn't I had this before? With Joel? No. I had never been this excited with Joel.

A hand grasped mine under the water, firmly, but not meant to restrict. I could pull away at any moment. I knew what was coming, and I could hardly hold myself back.

" Maybe you do. Maybe you don't. all I know is that this is all I've dreamed of since I've known you, and I am never going to forgive myself if I let this moment go.We don't have to do this. Not right away, or ever if you don't want to Dawn. But trust me, I want to." she whispered while inches from my face.

"You don't understand. I love you. I need you. With every fiber of my body I want you right now." I pleaded.

She didn't have to be told twice.

Jinx laid her lips on mine, wet and warm from the steam around us. I tasted her lips, but couldn't place the flavor. The feeling in my stomach was warm, and I liked it. A lot. This, was what I had searched for my whole life. This was love.

~~~~

Jinx and I walked home in the early hours of the morning, only unlinking our arms as we arrived at my front door.

I had had the most perfect of nights, but now realized what kind of trouble I had put myself into. Should I stay with my husband for the kids, or stand up for myself and go for what I love? It was all so hard.

Joel was on the couch when I walked in. His one free night to take the bed and he stayed on the couch. It was in that moment that I saw the boy I had loved, but older, and weaker. 

"Dawn. Oh Hell, Dawn. I have some horrible, terrible news. I-"

"What's wrong? What did you do to the kids?!" I said, panic rising.

"No, not the kids.."

"Then what? My art? The car? Our house? The yard? Your job? " my voice was getting louder, words spilling out before I thought them through.

"Let me just tell you, please." He asked, voice tired, and old.

"Please tell me that you didn't go and buy something for hundreds and thousan-"

"LET ME SPEAK!" He yelled.

"Dawn, I think you should let him talk." Jinx spoke up, reminding me of other problems to deal with.

"TELL ME THEN!" I cried, exasperated.

Joel collapsed on the couch, head on his knees. I suddenly looked around for signs of the kids, or anyone, but fund nothing. Anger died away, and panic rose.

"Joel?" I croaked.

"Dawn. Your Mother passed away last night. She's gone."