Chapter 2.8 ~ Realizations

"It's finished, Jinx! Come see!" I cried out to an almost empty house, only containing Jinx, my Mother, and Myself.

Jinx came skipping in, a smile on her face. Her eyes danced with her smile, resting first on me, then the painting of her. It turned out well, if I do say so myself.

"It's gorgeous, Dawn. I love it, completely and entirely, I love it!"

She threw her hands around me, still beaming like an idiot.

"Thank you, so much" She whispered in my ear, hot breath on my neck.

"You're welcome, Jinx. It was my pleasure. You have no idea how much I loved painting this for you!"

She pulled away, obviously thinking, by the way her brow was slightly furrowed.

"I want you to come out with me, to a club. Tonight." Jinx said, looking me dead in the eye.

"Ah.. Um I don't know about that." Clubs weren't always fun for people like me. People who could just about kill themselves to a song fast enough.

"Well I do. You need a break. Come, please? My treat, my thank you." Jinx pleaded, eyes growing large, bottom lip jutting out.

I looked at her, and then quickly thought of how I had planned to spend my night. Alone with a book, or with the girls if they'd have me.

Yea, Am and I were having some problems. She was always a Daddy's girl, and from her point of view, I was hurting her Daddy real bad. One day she'd understand, so I let her win every fight. I didn't want two enemies in this house.

All my girls were angels though. All of them tried their hardest not to cause trouble, and help out. I knew that for one evening, my house would be in safe hands.

"Sure, Jinx. I'll come with you." I replied. She got that excited look in her eye, and jumped all around like a school girl.  I promised to meet her in my bathroom after lunch for a make-over, and she then bounded off to make a meal.

I went through after her, to set the table for our meal, only to find Mom already eating.

Mom had been doing better lately, if not greying slightly around the edges. She was still my Momma though, and I saw her as nothing but beautiful. She was eating, smiling, and talking a bunch more. Somehow I thought of her as more peaceful then confused these days. I was happy that she had broken out of her funk, as it had been a constant worry to me.

Mom came slowly over to me when I entered the room, and wrapped her arms around me. I clung to her like I always did, stroking her back in hopes to calm her. This technique I had picked up from Jinx.

"I need you to stay the strong girl I raised you as, Dawn." Mom said suddenly.

I was confused, and silent.

"Don't let anyone tell you that you don't deserve something, or that you're not good enough. You're always good enough. You deserve love, and lots of it."

"Are you okay Momma?" I whispered, not wanting to alert Jinx to the worry in the next room.

"I'm perfect, love. I just need you to know that I love you. So much. And no matter what you decide to do with your problems, I'll support those decisions."

"I love you too Mom. Thank you."

~~ 9 hours later ~~~

Hours later, I was stood in an elevator with Jinx at my side. The pounding music could already be heard above me, and I was made up to look almost nothing like myself. Truth be told, I loved it. Not one person could guess I was a mother to 5 kids right now.

Jinx had told me to forget about my life, and my troubles and have fun tonight. So I really let loose, and put the hips I had craved in High School into my new 'Sexy Walk' out of the elevator. Jinx laughed lightly, not wanting to crush my hopes at looking as good as her.

Jinx took my hand as we walked into the main dance floor, and lead me to where the music was loudest. The room was near empty, but after all it was a Tuesday night, not a Saturday.

I took a deep breath and forgot my name, my husbands name, and let myself go wild.

We started on the dancefloor. Jinx had a talent with where to put her body to be completely provocative while not looking idiotic. A Talent I lacked.

I fell over in these stupid heels that Jinx strapped me in more times then I cared to remember. I was quickly pulled back up, and a smile would always find itself back on my face.

It was impossible not to have fun when I was out with Jinx. She let herself loose, and everything that I loved about her in everyday life blossomed and made themselves the key points of Jinx. Her hair moved silently, and her hips twisted around me like she had planned both our steps hours before hand. Hell, maybe she had.

We soon made our way to the bubble blowing machine. I finally was able to show Jinx up in some sense because I had a skill for bubble blowing. Oh Gosh, I just realized how sad that sounds.

It's true though. Mine always came out big, and colorful, while Jinx's were normally quite petite and shiny.
Not that everything was a competition, but this was me, and I always strive for the best.

After a while we both grew bored. I began to feel like a young-again wannabe, with my warm body causing the already thin clothing to cling tightly to my body. Jinx was the same way, though didn't show it quite as much.

"Dawn, in the next room there's a hot-tub. We could freshen up in there. Plus, I love the bubbles!" She gushed. Those bubbles sure had an impact on her.. but I did want to rid myself of the too-tight fabric, so I agreed.

"So, why the Hell is there a hot-tub in a dance club?" I questioned, climbing in next to her.

"Lots of reasons. For fun, too cool off, to warm up." She paused. "Woohoo."

Suddenly, this whole hot-tub idea, was making me feel worse about myself. Especially in this swimsuit provided my the club. It was racy, and also tight. Now hearing this.. probably 100% infected. Ew.

"Relax!" She scoffed. "I'm only joking."

"Yea, likely story." I toyed, leaning back into the seat next to her.

I relaxed for a moment in total silence, other then the music from the next room. Jinx sighed lightly, and I suddenly regretted not using the hot tub at home more.

I glanced over to Jinx, who in turn glanced to me. Something was troubling her, and I knew that getting her to spill would be an easy feat.

"Jinx. what's up?" I began, knowing the answer already.

"Nothing. Just thinking."

"Fine. Penny for your thoughts."

She managed a thin smile, but her mind was somewhere else.

"Trust me Jinx. You know you can."

She nodded once, and turned toward me.

"Dawn. I don't want you to hate me, but you will. I don't want you to judge me, but you will. I want you to accept me, but you won't. These may be the last words we speak together, but I have to tell you. Dawn. I'm a lesbian. And I l- want you to understand."

I was shocked. That's the understatement of the year, I was absolutely blown away. Why hadn't she told me before?!

"You're lesbian. And you never told me?" I asked gently.

I think I'd always known. The little touches, 'friendly' kisses, and paying no attention to my husband or any other man in general. I'd always known but never admitted it to myself.

"I'm sorry."

I stayed silent, as silent as I could, thinking. She made a small sound in her throat, and I knew I had to ask the question that we both knew was coming.

"Are...are you attracted to me, Jinx?"

She looked at me, then at the water. Traced the small waves with her eyes, then followed the lines of my legs back to my eyes.

"Immensely so." she whispered.

I looked at her, and had to make some quick decisions. Stay with my husband, who hates me, and I him at the moment, or give in to my deep rooting adoration of the woman beside me, and finally feel love.

No brainer.

"Jinx.. I.. think.. I think I love you."

She looked at me and beamed. I could see doubt in her eyes, but at the same time, she was like a child on Christmas. Not wanting to let themselves believe that they had their wishes granted, but not wanting them to be taken away if they had been.

She laid her arm around my shoulder gently. She made baby steps toward me. Hadn't I had this before? With Joel? No. I had never been this excited with Joel.

A hand grasped mine under the water, firmly, but not meant to restrict. I could pull away at any moment. I knew what was coming, and I could hardly hold myself back.

" Maybe you do. Maybe you don't. all I know is that this is all I've dreamed of since I've known you, and I am never going to forgive myself if I let this moment go.We don't have to do this. Not right away, or ever if you don't want to Dawn. But trust me, I want to." she whispered while inches from my face.

"You don't understand. I love you. I need you. With every fiber of my body I want you right now." I pleaded.

She didn't have to be told twice.

Jinx laid her lips on mine, wet and warm from the steam around us. I tasted her lips, but couldn't place the flavor. The feeling in my stomach was warm, and I liked it. A lot. This, was what I had searched for my whole life. This was love.

~~~~

Jinx and I walked home in the early hours of the morning, only unlinking our arms as we arrived at my front door.

I had had the most perfect of nights, but now realized what kind of trouble I had put myself into. Should I stay with my husband for the kids, or stand up for myself and go for what I love? It was all so hard.

Joel was on the couch when I walked in. His one free night to take the bed and he stayed on the couch. It was in that moment that I saw the boy I had loved, but older, and weaker. 

"Dawn. Oh Hell, Dawn. I have some horrible, terrible news. I-"

"What's wrong? What did you do to the kids?!" I said, panic rising.

"No, not the kids.."

"Then what? My art? The car? Our house? The yard? Your job? " my voice was getting louder, words spilling out before I thought them through.

"Let me just tell you, please." He asked, voice tired, and old.

"Please tell me that you didn't go and buy something for hundreds and thousan-"

"LET ME SPEAK!" He yelled.

"Dawn, I think you should let him talk." Jinx spoke up, reminding me of other problems to deal with.

"TELL ME THEN!" I cried, exasperated.

Joel collapsed on the couch, head on his knees. I suddenly looked around for signs of the kids, or anyone, but fund nothing. Anger died away, and panic rose.

"Joel?" I croaked.

"Dawn. Your Mother passed away last night. She's gone."

Just a Little Thanks!

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Chapter 2.7 ~ Replacements

Time went on. but it seems that's all I say. Time went on, but never progressed. I spent numerous hours with Jinx. She said things, little things, that made me think about my life. Look at me. I'm going on 30! What do I have to show for my life so far? Not much. That's exactly right, and no one can deny it. No full bank account, no perfect marriage, no extreme success.

I'm a no one in this world. I have to do something to get me remembered. Something.

After the original sketches were finished, Jinx's painting was the easiest thing to do in the world! I had her image permanently imprinted to my mind. The way her lips were always too dark for anyone with a fashion conscious mind to accept, due to the way her skin was whiter them milk on the warmest days of summer.  I had put my all into this painting, and honestly, it was good Jinx was around here with me, because otherwise, the family would have come to a standstill.

Jinx took over main care of my children. They didn't mind in the slightest, as they all adored her. It was the same reversed. Jinx was finally getting a chance at motherhood, and being a sibling, all at once. It was new to her, and sometimes, she would need a little help. Like when it came to braiding Jet's long hair. It was difficult for her to get her fingers, no matter how nimble, around the locks without causing  poor Jet to wail in pain. I'm sure it never really hurt, Jet's always been a tad dramatic.

Amethyst has warmed up to Jinx incredibly. Those two are inseparable, the way I wish I was with her. She tells Jinx all her secrets, as she does with me, but sometimes Jinx will mention in passing something Am decided wasn't worth telling me. Or that I shouldn't be told. It hurt, really it did, but I couldn't let her see that.

 

Jinx was a dab hand in the kitchen. Anything she touched, tasted brilliant. We hadn't had to scrape burnt bits off of our meals for weeks! She was always willing to make the meal, never once complaining. I once asked her about it, and she grew very quiet.

"My Momma. She used to cook with me. It reminds me of her." 

It was the first time I'd seen her feel any negative emotion. Apparently her Mom died in hospital a while back now. The wound on Jinx's heart was raw, but healing, as she put it.

I continued to grow. With new life. with new hope. Maybe with a new way to bring Joel back to me. He hadn't spoken to me other then greetings for what.. eight days now? I could feel him slipping away, and I desperately wanted him back, with me, in my arms, like we were all those years ago. I missed him.

We had been given news that we were to expect twins with this birth, again. Apparently it's an increased multiples rate, being a multiple myself , but Dusk still only has little Damien. Odd.

Joel has moved his office from my studio. Paint fumes clogging his sinuses or something. I spoke about it to Jinx, and she offered me very little. She seemed to be with-holding an opinion the whole time, until I made her spit it out.

It had been a really hard morning already, my back killing, fake labor pains all through the night, and Joel gone before I woke up.

Jinx was out of her apartment, and to our house by 9AM, and by that time, I had gone from cranky, to empty. Just empty, stripped of emotion. Should I even care anymore? I mean, it's not like I'm not used to him ignoring me.

"What do you think of it?" I asked, gesturing to the portrait, as I felt Jinx's presence arrive behind me. Take note that I felt it. I never hear her enter a room.

"It's extremely flattering. I'm sure my nose is more crooked then that"  she laughed airily.

I managed a tight smile, but still the cold, empty feel of the day consumed me.

"Have I lost him, Jinx?" I whispered, my eyes now closed, paintbrush lowered.

"Not yet. You still have control here. Don't let him slip, if you still love him." Her hand slinked its way onto my shoulders, thumbs making small circles, relieving some pent up tension that had been growing in my body.

"I love him. But aren't you supposed to let what you love go? And if it ever loved you, it would come back?" My voice has risen three pitches, desperation creeping into every word.

"You could try. But is it worth risking it?" Her voice was level, and missing her normal sweetness. Seriousness claimed her emotional state, and she was telling me everything she thought.

I walked to a chair in the corner, laying my forehead in my hands, silent tears threatening to spill.

Jinx came over and kissed my hair gently, as my Mother had done when I was little.

"Don't let him be the one who gets away, Dawn. Keep him close, if it's what you want. Think about yourself for once." then she exited the room, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

She was right, I thought about others too often. More so then myself.  But what if thinking of myself made Joel miserable? Made him unable to live his life, like he deserved to? Gosh. Sometimes, I wish I had died the lonely cat woman I'd planned to be.

 

I heard Jinx holler at me from the kitchen, that it was time to eat lunch. Eat? How long had I been left alone? Long enough to make a meal? Apparently.

Am was at school, and the girls napping upstairs. Joel was.. ah, who knows. Work, hopefully.

My Mom had only just risen, and was still in her nightgown. She was worrying me lately. Doctors called it Depression, but really, why should she be depressed? Then again, in the state I'm in, I may as well accept another heap to my already heaving plate.

Jinx ate something left over from the morning, as my Mother and I tucked into a Greek Salad. No one spoke, but the silence wasn't uncomfortable. We all had thoughts to dwell upon, and no one needed to talk about their problems. The only person whose thoughts I couldn't read were my Mothers.. but who could anymore?

I went back to my painting after the dishes were done. I heard the door latch about a half hour later, indicating that my Mother must have gone out. Jinx wouldn't leave without saying goodbye to me. 

Then it happened.

The first pang of labor was so familiar now, I should be ready for it. Of course though, I wasn't. It rippled down my spine, and over my bloated stomach. I planned to be calm, you know, third time the charm and all, but a scream left my mouth before I even saw it coming.

Jinx bolted through, her own face contorted with fear.  It was then I remembered that I was the first pregnant woman she had ever met. And now she was the only one around for my labor.

"Jinx. Hospital, now. Get the car." She nodded, eyes not leaving the puddle forming at my feet. 

She was back in the studio before I knew what was happening. I heard the rumble of the engine outside, and I began to make my way to he door.  Jinx gave a little sigh of exasperation, and scooped me up in her slender arms, swiftly leading me to the car.

I was laid in the back seat, and we sped off. The journey was quick. I knew we were speeding, and we should slow down, but I already had urges to push. How far apart were he contractions now? Okay, count.

One, two, three, four. Four minutes? No, that can't  be right. Count again.

We arrive before I could count the minutes again. This time I walk, and I'm quick, because I'm worried. I'm immediately placed in a wheelchair, and taken to Labor & Delivery.  Jinx is sterilized, and quickly follows me into the room. None of the nurses know what to do with this baby, rushing to get to the world, so the doctor is paged. She comes, rapidly throwing her white uniform over a stained blouse. Obviously someone was on her way home.

Two and a half hours later, record time, I delivered two beautiful baby girls. Jinx joked hat it was two more to add to our pack, and I beamed at her. Mom was in a room across the hall, being told to quieten down her excited squeals over her two new granddaughters.  Two more angels to cherish.  But what would Joel think? I knew he wanted a Son.

Wait. Joel?

"Jinx. Where's Joel?"

Her face crumpled to a frown, and I worried for her answer.

"I called him four times. Once on the way here, twice while you were in labor, and again just now. No answer. No show."

I had a flood of emotions. Anger, Betrayal, Sadness. Then my  cold nothing, my icy empty, that I have learnt to expect when talking of my husband.

By the evening, I was allowed home, with my two gorgeous girls, Moonstone, and Morganite. Moon and Morgan for short.

I traveled cooing to them in the back sea, while Jinx's face remained hard.

As we walked through the door, my Mom took the two baskets from my hands, fussing over me, and the girls. Am came barreling down the stairs, to see her new sisters. Even Jet and Jade were catching on to the excitement, and peeking into the baskets Mom had set on the floor.

I made my way upstairs to the bathroom to clean up, when I walked by the office. Inside I saw Joel. My anger boiled over, and  I began to see everything in a haze of red. My vision blurred, my mind exploded.

Jinx trotted up the stairs, to find me clinging to the railing at the top of the staircase. My knuckles were white, nails digging into my palms. Eyes glazed, most likely. A hard stare at the wall rose to meet her sympathetic eyes. That did it. I wasn't going to be pitied. I was going to stand up for myself.

"Joel. Get out here now." My voice was hard, and rough. Like I hadn't had a drink in days.

He sighed loudly, and it was all I could do not to rip the railing from the floor. Sauntering out, he seemed to realize what he had done. What had happened.

"Babe, I-" he began.

"Don't babe me. You missed the birth of our daughters. You have left me this whole pregnancy. It's like being married to a dead man!" I yelled, tears leaking from my eyes, but I was unable to tell if I was crying from anger, or sadness.

"I was worki-"

"Yea. You were working. I know. So do we all. We all know that this family is a second to work. With the way your being, it may even be a third to someone else as well."

He went to speak, but I cut him off. His face was hard, but his eyes were burning with sadness. I couldn't care less.

"Fudge you." I whispered. "Fudge you. Fudge us."

He went to touch my arm, but I pulled away. 

"Go to Hell." I murmured, barely audible. 

He make a small sound. A sob? Before leaving for the study again. I didn't know where we stood now, but I wasn't happy with it.

A pair of arms slid their way around my waist, a hand rubbed my back, and then stroked my hair as I cried. I may have felt dreadfully lonely, and abandoned, even forgotten.

But there had always been one person who was strong. Jinx would always be here for me.